how to be alone.

24 February 2020

Written by Jada Harris

STEP 1: denial.

I don't think you ever get used to being alone but you can pretend like it doesn't bother you anymore. You can pretend you don't miss goodbye hugs and hello squeezes. You can pretend it doesn't hurt when no one calls your name, no one texts to see if you got home okay, no one offers to help, no one notices if something is wrong, no one is waiting for you, no one to congratulate or criticize you. You can pretend like it doesn't hurt. There is freedom in being able to make all your own decisions right? This is independence! This is what they call spreading your wings. This is what everyone is always saying you should do, so why doesn't it feel right?


STEP 2: anger.

When am I going to be a great person who does great things? When am I going to be someone's first choice? When am I ever going to get used to the feeling of being left out, of knowing other people are having a better time than me, better days, better lives? Am I ever going to be there? Am I ever going to be them? Am I ever going to be good enough for myself? I am trying so hard to succeed and I tell myself that I can live a lonely life if only it is a successful one but if I don't have that then what am I really? Am I even really trying?

STEP 3: bargaining.

I'll change. I promise I'll change. Just give me one perfect person who loves everything that I do, one perfect job and house and car and body and I will be the perfect person for you in return.


Step 4: depression.

You learn to text yourself. Learn to ignore the text posts. Learn to ignore your entire feed. Learn to take care of yourself, learn to have no one to be pretty for. Learn to fill the silence with everything and nothing, then learn to fill the nothing. Write about it, cry about it, sing about it, draw about it, dance about it, speak about it. Then when people ask you to name it lonely, tell them you have no idea what they are talking about and they could never understand. Convince yourself there is no one who could understand.

step 5: acceptance.

My therapist said something about my situation and how hard it is to grow up. I told her that they always want you to leave the nest but never to fly. How they always want you to fit in but don't tell you how or where you are supposed to go in such a crowded space. They tell you there are so many people just like you who are going through the same things and there are so many people who've made it but every time you go to these places filled with these people you can't seem to make eye contact with even one. Is the cure to loneliness other people?

They teach you to talk but not to speak. They teach you to walk but never to get where you are going and no one will tell you the right direction. Before you know it, you can't go back. Only forward into the unknown. Only trying to spread your wings while also being aware of the long, long way down. Knowing there is no longer a place for you here, but not knowing if there is something else out there. Just not knowing.