instead of living, i watch videos

25 October 2024

Written by Jada Harris

I watch videos of other people 

going on trips instead of going on trips

I watch videos of other people 

making art instead of making art

I watch videos of other people 

falling in love instead of falling in love

I watch my life with my nose touching the glass

I’ve never held it with my own hands,

felt the warm blood and guts

instead I watch it shift in the back of my mind

the future like a memory

too scared to live and too scared to not

there is just so much in this world 

and yet it has never been enough for me

I am filled with a hopelessness

unworthy of touch, affection, of peace

I’m scared that I’ll waste my youth trying to be beautiful

and I’m starting to have dreams that don’t make sense again

and I wake up looking for you in my empty bed

I can’t keep going on like this